It's been a while but I just had to return to say this. To all cafe owners:

Hot drinks served in tumblers. What's all that about? You can't hold the ruddy thing without donning welding gloves! And where's the saucer to put my teaspoon on? If you want to add a touch of class get some nice bone china, preferably willow pattern, and save the tumblers for whisky and soda.

-Ken

A female friend of mine had to suffer a tirade of abuse from a motorist yesterday evening, who then tried to run her down and was only prevented from getting out of the car and physically assaulting her when he was restrained by his female passenger.

Her crime? Crossing the road and brushing past his car. Apparently touching his precious motor makes one a "fucking slag" and a "filthy whore" who needs to be beaten up. If I find out where this guy lives then, believe you me, it will give me great pleasure to let him know exactly what I think of him - via the medium of certain four-letter words daubed across his paintwork in battery acid.

-Ken

I just popped into town to the local butchers for some black pudding. It turns out that black pudding is classed as a cooked meat and therefore my local butcher can no longer stock it, as they only have a licence for raw meat. Now I'm not into eating raw black pud, and I'll probably cook the stuff more thoroughly than I would a rump steak, but never mind - undeterred, I toddled off to the deli to get some, along with a nice haggis. No joy there - apparently haggis is a raw meat, despite being thoroughly cooked, so back to the butchers for that. Gah!

I'm also told that there are new regulations on the sale of game. Previously anyone could shoot rabbits or pigeons and take them to a butcher with a game licence to be sold on. But not any more! You have to be an "approved supplier". Yes, of course, if I shoot a rabbit, because I'm not an "approved supplier", the animal is unfit for consumption. Frankly I'm surprised the powers-that-be still let us eat game at all - I'm sure in the world of food regulation rabbits and pigeons come from a game factory, where they are produced to precise specifications. It's only a matter of time, you know.

-Ken

On my way to work today I suffered a few minutes delay and had to take a minor detour. I will have to do this for the next few weeks, but I don't mind. The road was in a bad state, it needs repair, and the works appear to be proceeding efficiently and the results meeting a high standard. "So," I hear you ask, "what's the matter, Shabby old sport?" Well, I'll tell you...

Plastered around the area of repairs are large yellow signs bearing the words "We are repairing these worn out roads for you". No shit! I thought maybe you were just rearranging the pot-holes. Or maybe you are not repairing the road for me, but at the behest of our tripod overlords. Or maybe it just means I can't go for five minutes in this day and age without having some patronising non-information shoved in my face, like all these no-smoking signs being plastered around at the government behest in places you could never smoke anyway. What's that - no smoking in the the infant school, or the hospital, or the art gallery? Oh really? I never knew! Well fuck me dead!

To all purveyors of such nonsense I say fuck off, fuck off, FUCK OFF!

-Ken

Yes, apparently so:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/science/article2195538.ece

Oh great. So now do I have to offset my carbon footprint every time I
go to the gym? Will 4x4 drivers look at me disdainfully as I cycle to
work?

Fortunately these figures assume you get all your energy from beef,
which is ridiculous. I naturally get most of my energy from spiced
reconstituted lamb, garlic sauce and pitta bread. Surely a better
alternative?

Reading down the article:

"The ideal diet would consist of cereals and pulses."

but then:

"[Methane], released during the digestive process, is 21 times more
harmful than CO2"

Boll0x - you can't win :-(

Mr Shabby heartily endorses this sensible and reasonable argument:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/story/0,,2136003,00.html

How anyone could think that blowing yourself up on a bus full of school children was in any way morally inferior to not doing so is beyond me - sheer ignorance, as Ms Murri wisely suggests.

I believe ol' Jenny used to be a big cheese in the BBC. And there are people who suggest the licence fee gets wasted!

If you find yourself on a train devoid of reading material and only an abandoned Guardian is available, simply slip it inside your copy of Barely Legal as you read it, and no one need be any the wiser.

No doubt it was a mistake to burn the nastiest and ugliest of the sisterhood all those years ago, but it seemed like a good idea at the time, and there is nothing to be gained from bending over backwards to their modern descendents:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/07/23/nwitch123.xml

No, it will only encourage them in their evil arts.

The new Home Secretary has today admitted to smoking hemp whilst at university and hopes that the public will accept her honesty:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/politics/article2102084.ece

She is, presumably, fully aware that from the most liberal, museli-munching Guardianist to the lowest, Kappa-suited underling, nobody gives a hoot in these days of declining public morals. One would also assume that she is safe in the knowledge that the public actually know who she is now.

Some things never fail to bring smile to the most cynical of lips: a large gin and tonic, say, a perfectly executed shot on the billiard table, or, best of the all, the hilarious ravings of Polly Toynbee. This week's offering is particularly outstanding, even by her own elevated standards.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/story/0,,2129511,00.html

Dear Sir,

This morning I made the mistake of listening to your "drivel for the day" slot with Dr. Mona Siddiqui. The lady appeared to be making some rambling half-argument as to why organ donation should not be made opt-out, as this could be upsetting to people of a religious persuasion. Clearly those people without the intelligence to see the world as it is, without reference to books of ancient folklore, are also incapable of filling in an opt-out form should their superstitions dictate that they would rather see another person die than deny their own corpse the chance to rot intact.

I for one will rejoice on the day when this slot is expunged from the show and I am not faced with this daily reminder that our lives, and deaths, are still being decided by the superstition and dogma that science has fought so hard to dispel, and the brainwashing that so many of my generation have struggled to escape. Until that time, I shall continue to hit the snooze alarm at 7:45 and use these five minutes for a leisurely hand shandy, as I am sure a good many of your listeners also do.

Yours,

Ken Shabby

Mr. Shabby notes with disgust that this young bugger was awarded nearly £6000 as a reward for his wanton stupidity and vandalism:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/leicestershire/6900884.stm

A good thrashing and off to bed with no supper would be more appropriate. The backbone of this nation has turned to jelly.

Dear oh dear. It now seems that Winston Churchill is to be expunged from the National Curriculum in favour of 'more relevant' topics. Presumably the next generation will grow up thinking that Hitler is a bar in South Korea. The great man must be turning in his grave.

Oh dear, do these bearded sandal-wearers have nothing better to do?

Altogether now:

Wring, wring, wring your hands,
Spoil all the fun,
Buy the Guardian, roll it tight,
And shove it up your bum!

http://commentisfree.guardian.co.uk/open_thread/2007/07/the_misadventures_of_tintin.html

http://newsforums.bbc.co.uk/nol/thread.jspa?threadID=6704&&&edition=1&ttl=20070709092909

Regardless of whether or not human action is responsible for global warming, the curent break-neck cunsumption and aspiration towards 'celebrity' lifestyles is causing huge personal debt, using up resources and taking up landfill. As a marketing strategy we're told we can have it all because: '...we're worth it.' The reality is unsustainable. The superficial, wasteful lifestyles of most of these 'celebrities' and those who worship them are a cause, not a cure for problems in the World today.

http://newsforums.bbc.co.uk/nol/thread.jspa?threadID=6793&&&edition=1&ttl=20070706110134

Why should the taxpayer foot the bill for replacing someone's fitted kitchen? I always thought that was what insurance was for- which in effect means we'll all have to pay in increased premiums anyway. This story is symptomatic of the: 'it must be someone's fault' culture and refusal to accept that some things- such as nature- can't be completely controlled that has taken grip in Britain.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/peter_riddell/article2028757.ece?Submitted=true

On the same day that it is announced that the public are to be given more say over how public funds are spent, The Sun begins a campaign to put flags on every public building. Given that The Sun is (sadly) a reasonable gauge of public concerns and opinions, it is likely that my taxes will be wasted on such gimmicks while important but unpopular issues are neglected. The clamour to have speed bumps, flashing warning signs and cameras installed in every tiny village also demonstrates that the uninformed, reactionary general public are the very last people who should be given any responsibility for anything affecting anyone else.

Some bloody common sense in the media:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/minette_marrin/article2010025.ece?openComment=true#comments-form

Yesterday I saw a not unattractive young lady wearing a baggy pink t-shirt emblazoned with the words: Looking for my footballer. Whilst one can only commend this young lady's social aspirations (footballers, although vulgar, command competitive salaries and should be able provide for her needs adequately), one was tempted to suggest that she would be better advised to search further afield than Sainsbury's in The Westgate Centre.

OK, so the Met Office tells us that we're in for a long wet summer. Still, never mind, because all we need to do is go to church:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/weather/article2013348.ece

So, it's god's punishment but the seven killed were still innocent bystanders and victims of western greed? Well, logic was never their strongpoint was it. Stick to sipping tea, eating lemon slices and talking about cricket you insignificant skytalkers.

http://www.teasmade.com/

A whole site devoted to the teasmade! Superb!